


Feelings

by MrMsTanaka



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, F/F, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Tragedy, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-12
Updated: 2012-04-12
Packaged: 2017-11-03 13:16:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/381746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrMsTanaka/pseuds/MrMsTanaka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A girl left from her feelings, searches a way to love her partner again. But life has gotten complicated and she has to decide what's the best for her...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feelings

The cold wind was blowing through my window.

The breeze was hitting my skin hard and I had to shiver.

I sat on the floor with the hands wrapped around my legs, thinking about nothing specific, just what to do next.

‘I’m out.’ She said.

‘I’m going to visit friends.’ She also said.

‘I love you.’ Was the last thing she said to me, before she left.

  
I said nothing. I just sat on my bed, watched her how she put things together and then she was going through the door with a smile on her face. I waved at her, but she hasn’t seen it, because she was already gone.

 

The morning before, she was lying beside me, I could hear her heartbeat next to mine, so close was she on my side. I felt her hand on mine, it was warm and cosy and it hold mine tightly. I saw the smile on her lips while she was asleep, warmness surrounded her and the black hair made her look even more beautiful in sleep than she was already. I closed my eyes again. When I woke up the next time she wasn’t on my side anymore. I looked around and could hear sounds from the kitchen. She was still here.

‘Have to go soon.’ Her voice told me, as she walked into my bedroom.

I nodded at her and then I stood up slowly. My knees were weak this morning. It was hard to stand up.

Minutes later I saw her walking around, packing again her usual things and then she stood in front of the entry door.

‘Will you come back?’ I asked her whispery.

‘Sure! You know, I will always come back.’ She answered, kissed my left cheek and then she left again.

‘Bye…’ I whispered against my door, useless to say that she couldn’t hear it.

My hand was wandering down the door; I felt the cold wood, the heartless present of a white, barren door. I didn’t want to cry. No, I didn’t feel like crying.

 

A sudden noise reached my ear and I was wakening up from my thoughtful dreaming.

I stood up slowly and closed my window. It has gotten really cold during the evening, but my head didn’t tell me that I should put on some warmer clothes.

My feet were bringing me back to my bed and I sat down again, just trying to understand what was going on right now.

Why was I alone? Why did she leave every morning and every evening? Why hasn’t she told me where she was going? Why did I sit every night in front of my bed and waited for her to come back? Why was my heart aching every single second I had to think of her?

 

My eyes were empty; I just localized a spot on my wall and tried to imagine her face there. Could I say that I knew her face anymore? Have I seen her often enough to say that I would knew her good enough that I could tell something about her?

I had to shake my head.

‘No, I don’t.’ My broken voice spoke out in the darkness.

I even couldn’t tell anymore why we have spoken so hardly to each other. And why I couldn’t speak with her about my real feelings and… I didn’t know why I couldn’t ask her where she was going. Inside it killed me, my heart died a little more day by day.

 

The noise of the entry door interrupted my thoughts again. She was there.

‘Hi.’  
‘Hi…’

‘I’m tired, let’s go to bed.’

‘Yes, I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t wait for me.’

I just discovered her tired eyes as I walked by and left the room. I knew she would just lie down on the bed and fall asleep, she wouldn’t have wait for me; she had no reason to wait.

 

I went straight to my kitchen and fell down on a chair in front of the table. My legs couldn’t hold me anymore, I felt a huge anger growing up in my chest and together with the heart ache it wasn’t that good at all. I felt like screaming, but my voice wasn’t able to. My hands were shaky and I wanted to cry… but I felt that I couldn’t cry. I didn’t know why.

I captured a knife nearby me. It felt right. In that moment I just wanted to take it with me, to see the glance of the blade, to feel something, something that would maybe release me from all my anger and pain. My hand reached for the knife and I stroked across my arm with it. I felt a tickling emotion, something I haven’t felt for a very long time. She wasn’t able to touch me like this anymore. Her hands were just meeting with my body when she was stroking my cheek for a second or when she lay her hand on my shoulder to say ‘Goodbye’ to me. And every time she did it, I felt less than before, all my feelings were killed. To feel again something made me feel better inside, it was nearly a rush and I was stroking further on, beads of perspiration were running down my forehead, I felt warmness around me hunted by a cold shiver and my hand was about to push the knife deeper, to stroke harder…

Then suddenly my hand lost its strength. I opened it automatically and the knife fell to the ground and made a loud fuss.

 

I cried. It was the first time I could cry again, I embedded my head in my hands and let the tears run free. I broke absolutely down on the chair. A sound reached my ear, but I couldn’t recognize what it was, I just kept on crying like I’ve never cried before.

 

‘Hey, is everything… What’s wrong with you?!’

It was her voice that interrupted my emotional release of everything. I hardly understood her; I just heard my own crying and sobbing.

‘Tell me, please.’ Again her voice, this time nearer on my ear and suddenly I felt two arms around my waist.

I turned around, didn’t look up in her face, I just put my arms around her body and pushed her tightly on mine.

‘Please… please don’t leave me alone.’ Were the words I told her with my raspy voice.

She said nothing at all in that moment. She just held me also tighter and her hand grabbed my hair.

 

After seconds of silent crying on her shoulder I could recognize her voice again.

 

‘I will never leave you alone again… I promise.’

 

Her voice was steady and clear and suddenly I could feel her again, her arms around me, her lovely voice in my ear, her hand in my hair… Simply the love she gave me once years ago. All the coldness was gone with that single sentence of her.

We separated from each other and I dared to look in her eyes again. A different gleam was in them, something I haven’t seen in them for so long.

A smile was reaching my face, first a small, insignificant smile, but after seconds it got bigger and bigger. That gleam was what I missed on her, the loving gaze of her face.

 

She looked at me and held my head in both hands and then she kissed me. She kissed me with the passion on which I thought it was lost forever.

 

‘I love you and I will never go away again.’

 

I believed her on that evening in the kitchen. And I’m glad I did it, otherwise I wouldn’t have got my feelings back for her, for me and for my whole life…


End file.
